Today will be a new day. Today I will not overthink conversations or spend too long on my phone to avoid my thoughts. Today I will be fine.
I say this to myself most mornings, staring at the mirror trying to keep my breathing calm and collected. Yet as I glance down I already feel the panic rising and the butterflies kicking in the background. My phone sits beside me, and my hands automatically go to it. Just having it in my hands feels like a safety thing and something I can turn to if I need a break.
Then I start running through what I’m anxious about already. Anxious about whether I will get to work safely when driving. Anxious about what I look like, maybe I have a spot that has suddenly appeared? Where am I going to park when I go to the Doctors? What if I fall out with someone today?
One of the “unspoken rules” of texting is that you don’t have to immediately reply. There’s no ‘contract’ on how long you take, it’s understood that you’ll respond when available, unlike a phone conversation. However, the brain can be a funny thing and we often apply expectations about how long it should take for a person to reply and when they fail to do so, become anxious.
Often in this situation, I continually glance at my phone wondering why someone hasn’t texted me back. Have I annoyed them? Did I say the wrong thing? Overanalysing literally every single word and situation. All of it running through my head until I feel sick. My hands even go numb and I have to try to calm myself down.
Another thing I hate is confrontation/conflict, the fighting and the arguing. Even if I’m on the right side of the argument, it just fills me with dread and I want to back out. I don’t want to spend time on going back and forth with the end result being the same. That someone involved will leave either hurt or angry.
Maybe I care too much, but for me, confrontation is one of the highest things on there on my anxiety rating. I will never get over that.
Writing it all out on here makes it seem so…. sad.
See the problem with anxiety is, sometimes its hidden away in the back like a shadow, before you know it it’s upon you and you don’t even know why.
I have days where I don’t even want to get out of bed, worried about any possible confrontations I may have with someone or that I’ll do something wrong.
Yet other days I’ll get out of bed feeling fine and thinking that today is going to be a win. That I’ve beaten anxiety for good. Yet like life is, things happen. It’s back to the same cycle.
Lately, I’ve been trying to find the root of all these feelings. How it first began and it’s when I realised how far I’ve come.
High School was pure hell, and I know I’m not the first or last to think it. I got bullied a lot, cyberbullying was especially a key feature in the way I am today. Looking back has made me realise the impact words can have on people. Whether it’s written or spoken. Once they are out there, you can’t take it back as easily. Words stick in people’s minds and that’s when it takes effect.
Now I have to try and teach myself to get out of this hole I’m in, yet it’s far from easy. Thanks to those ‘bullies’ I now have this battle constantly.
I’m not winning yet, but maybe soon I will start to.
If you are reading this, make it your goal every day to make someone smile. It can mean the world to someone.